Tinged With Forbidden Toxin
by mrsremusjohnlupin
Summary: After falling in love with one of his best mates, Remus accepted the fact that he would never be able to tell anyone of his true feelings. Remus/Sirius


Small blades of grass prickled at his stomach where his shirt had ridden up as he stretched. Fingertips tickled across his exposed back, and he jumped at the unexpected touch, swatting a hand away and then pulling down his shirt.

Squinting in the sunlight, Remus spotted Sirius giving him a wink from where he sat propped against the tree trunk. James was still on a branch exaggerating about his latest attempt to seduce Lily Evans, oblivious to the touch. Peter had fallen asleep and was now snoring in the shade.

That was how Remus always wanted his life to be. He set his book onto the sun-soaked grass beside him and propped his head in his hands, listening to the sounds he had grown comfortable with. The lake lapping at the shore, students in the distance laughing, and the leaves in the tree above them rustling together even though there was barely a breeze.

Inhaling after sensing each individual sound, the first thing he noticed was whatever cologne Sirius was wearing. It had a spicy apple mixture to it that began to make Remus dizzy as it filled his nostrils, then lungs, until it was overpowering everything else; all of his other senses. He thought he was going to choke, he could not breathe, he was about to drown in the scent of Sirius and-

"Remus?" his eyes focused and breathing evened out at the sound of his name coming from between those lips. He glanced over at Sirius, who was staring at him with concern. "Mate, are you all right?"

"Fine," Remus stood, snatching his book off of the ground and slinging his back over his shoulder. "I need to go finish my essay."

James had stopped his story and slid down from the tree. "Which one?"

"Potions," Remus swallowed.

"Right, then, you better get on it, "James shot him one last look before sitting next to Sirius. "As I was saying…"

* * *

In the Library, it was quiet. Which was why he always liked to go there, choosing a table in the back near books no one ever read. He got the privacy that was so often invaded and neglected.

Remus had been there for at least a half hour when another person joined him. He peered up from his novel to see James staring at him from the edge of the bookshelves, leaning on it. "Watcher, Moony. That does not appear to be an essay," he squinted and adjusted his glasses. "Actually, it looks like that Muggle story I read the description of once when you fell asleep in the common room. _James and the Giant Peach_."

"I can only imagine why you would read it."

"Oh, because it had my name in the title, of course."

Sighing, Remus marked his spot and set the book on the table. "What do you need, James?"

"Well," James strode over and sat in the chair nearest Remus, looking suddenly serious. Remus was taken aback at the expression and closeness of him and tried to lean away casually. "You can start by telling me why you lied about writing an essay that I knew you had already finished. We wrote them together, remember?"

"Oh," Remus flicked his eyes to his book, wishing he had not put it down. He could pretend that he was so interested in the novel that James would go away. Hah! That was one of his more ridiculous ideas, because James would not leave for anything. "Right. I forgot. I guess I need to work on that lying thing, then."

"I'm sure it's just lying to your best mates that you're no good at. So, why?"

"Needed to be alone," Remus spoke without thinking.

James leaned back in his chair and rubbed his chin with his thumb and forefinger. "Is that all?"

"Yes."

"Moony, _what_ did I _just say_ about lying to your mates?"

Deciding not to fight where it would do no good, Remus fidgeted in his seat before answering. "I… I think that I'm in love."

The words hung between them for a moment before James scooted his chair closer to Remus. "Oh? What's the problem with that? I know you're afraid someone will hurt you, Remus, but you have to give them that chance."

"I… I know. I have let them into my life already…"

"But you don't want them to walk out?" James nodded when Remus did and opened his mouth to speak when Remus interrupted him.

"It is someone I cannot lose in my life, in any way."

Seeming to consider that, James rested his hands on the table. "May I ask who it is?"

"You could, but I would not tell you."

"Fair enough, I suppose. What if I guessed it on the first try?"

Remus smiled. "Not even then."

James ran his hands through his hair, messing it up even more than it was. A little piece was sticking straight up, and Remus licked the palm of his hand, reaching up to pat it down. Meeting James's unwavering gaze, he swallowed hard and frowned.

"What?" Remus felt more vulnerable than he ever had in front of James before, and he did not like it.

"Tell them."

"What?" his eyes almost bugged out of his head.

"If you cannot tell them, show the person how you feel. It's better than this torture you're putting yourself through. And if this person is truly your friend, and they end up not returning your affection, then they will still be your friend. Things might be a little strange at first, but you wouldn't lose them over this if they're supposed to be in your life. It isn't worth what you're putting yourself through, Moony."

"There is more than one factor keeping me from doing it."

"I know. There always is; love is an easy thing. Being in love is the most complicated thing in the galaxy."

Remus let out a small chuckle to ease the tension. "When did you become so philosophical?"

James smiled. "Since you needed me to be so I could kick your arse into motion. Now, trust me when I say to go for it. Otherwise, you'll never know. And even if they say no, you could always continue pursuing them."

"How do you handle the constant rejection?" Remus was surprised at himself for finally asking. James always made a show of pretending it didn't bother him every time Lily told him 'no,' but Remus knew there was no way that could be true. It was one of his biggest fears, so he knew James was hurting somewhere inside.

"Ah," James leaned back and stared at the ceiling before flicking his eyes to Remus's. "I wish I could say it gets easier every time, but that would be a lie. I can't figure out why she keeps saying no, because I know she wants to. I see it every time our eyes meet or she forces herself not to look at my lips. I know she likes me back, but she won't accept me yet. I suppose she just needs to figure out some things for herself first and get over some of the things that had separated us in the past. Until then I will ask every day, until the day she finally gives in to her feelings."

Not wanting to be the one to tell James that Lily Evans hated his guts, and the whole castle knew that, Remus just nodded.

"I never would've known if I hadn't placed the idea in her brain, though," James stood and gave him a wink. "You need to tell this person. No good can come from not saying something. You deserve it to yourself, and they deserve to know the truth."

"I'm scared," Remus spoke with such a quiet tone that he wasn't sure if James had heard him. He put his gaze onto the top of the table, something stable. A hand obscured his view, and his eyes followed the arm and eventually rested on James's eyes.

"Of course. I'm right here, though. That is never going to change, no matter the way this goes." Remus took the offered hand and was helped to his feet. James had already grabbed his book and handed it back to him. Remus let his hand trace the spine, something he often did when he was nervous.

James had already begun to walk away, toward the bookcase aisle out of the corner which they were in. He took a deep, ragged breath before speaking. "It's Sirius."

Not blinking or breathing, Remus watched as James turned around and was smiling. "I know."

Mouth falling slack for a minute, Remus gained his composure. "What? How do you know?" he forgot to keep his voice down, instead being rather loud in the quiet room. He had been fretting over the knowledge that he was not just _gay_ but _gay only for his best friend,_ and the fact that one day he might have to tell his friends. He had been worried about how they would react to the point where he was not going to say a word to anyone.

That was not at all what he had been expecting. A _smile_, really?

"I am not daft."

"Does… Does Sirius know?" His heart began to hammer inside his chest, and he wondered if James could hear it.

"Now Sirius… he_ is_ daft. C'mon, let's go. I snagged some Firewhiskey that we're all going to drink tonight."

* * *

Nothing had changed after his declaration. Nothing at all. James had already known, at the start of the conversation Remus later learned, those feelings for Sirius were what had been upsetting him. He had been also told by James that he had been waiting for Remus to open up to him and go to him, but realized that would never happen.

As the four boys sat around a make-shift fire between James and Sirius's beds in the dorm, they passed around the alcohol and laughed. James told a story about a girl walking around the school with her skirt tucked into her panties, which even made Remus fall onto the floor laughing. Though, the influence of the whiskey did play a big part in it. Okay, almost a whole part.

The almost-empty bottle rolled to him from Peter's direction on the floor, and he bent over to take a swig out of it, almost falling off of the window ledge in the process. Sirius, who had been sitting on his own bed with one leg tucked underneath him, leaned forward to catch Remus.

"All right?" Sirius's eyes sparkled with amusement, and Remus could only nod, trying not to stare too hard at his best mate.

Remus took a gulp out of the bottle and passed it behind him to James, who was propped up in his own bed. Their eyes locked, and James smiled and spoke. "This is just enough for us all to get a fuzzy feelin'. If we wanted to be completely pissed, I'd need a whole bottle each."

"But that's not going to happen," Sirius said. "Because then you can't shut up about Evans."

"Oh, Lily's hair-"

"Her eyes-"

"Her neck-"

"Her earlobes-"

"The way she walks away-"

"The way she writes with a quill-"

"It's unlike anything I've ever seen!"

The three boys cracked up laughing, while James crossed his arms and tried not to smile. "I do _not_ sound like that," he said, which only made them laugh harder and give more examples.

Tears streaming down Remus's face, he finally subsided in laughter long enough to notice he had to go to the bathroom. "Loo," he explained as he stood up, sidestepping the flame in a jar and Peter clutching his stomach on the ground as he made his way towards the Sixth Year bathrooms.

"Ehh, I'm tired," Remus listened as James crawled underneath the covers but started talking to Peter directly after.

As he finished up and was washing his hands, Remus heard a muffled cry from the other room. Before he could investigate he heard laughter from all three boys. Looking at himself in the mirror while drying his hands, Remus smiled. Hearing their laughter was a small miracle that he may have missed out on. But as his fate would have it, he was able to spend his days at Hogwarts breaking as little rules as he could with his mates.

Just as the thought of Sirius crossed his mind, the door to the loo opened up, and Sirius came stumbling in. Remus dropped the towel into the sink and turned as fast as his buzz would allow him to peer at Sirius. "Oi! I'm in here!"

Sirius grinned and shut the door, pulling out a wand and placing a locking charm on it. "Now I am too. You should really use those Charms you're so good at if you want privacy, mate."

Remus glared at him and crossed his arms. "I could have been naked, you know."

"Now, wouldn't that be somethin'?" Sirius winked and began to pull off his shirt, walking towards the shower.

"What're you doing?" Remus was transfixed, unable to move even though he knew that staring at his best friend's exposed flesh was not acceptable behaviour.

Sirius began to fall forward after running into the urinal, and Remus jumped forward to catch him. His hands had no place to go but the skin on his chest, so that was where they went.

"Ah, thanks mate. Think you could help a bloke out?" Sirius tugged on the shirt that he seemed incapable of getting off his head. "James spilt the rest of the Whiskey all over me, and now I have to shower."

"Sure," Remus pulled his hand away from the warmth that was Sirius and focused his attention on getting the shirt over his head, being as gentle as possible and trying not to touch his skin. It seemed to send a jolt through him, and he did not want the electricity settling in his heart moving downwards.

As soon as the shirt was past his head, Sirius yanked it off of his arms and began to undo his belt. Remus's eyes fell to the floor on instinct. He could not look at the skin showing on Sirius, no matter how much he wanted to. Not the chest, the back, the arms, or anything. Remus swallowed hard and backed up towards the door.

"I..." his voice sounded husky and he coughed into his hand. "I'm going to go now."

"Wait!" Remus's vision was suddenly filled with Sirius. His trousers were unbuttoned and all Remus could see was the small line of dark hair leading from his friend's belly button to a place where Remus could not see. If only Sirius would drop his pants, and _then_...

His eyes rose as quick as they could, and his eyes met Sirius's. He felt his cheeks heat and hoped that he was too drunk to notice. "Can you help me with this?" Sirius tugged at his belt, which was still in the loops. "I can't get it off."

"Just... Just take your pants off and get the belt off in the morning," Remus's back hit something solid and his hand reached out, groping for the doorknob. He did not trust himself with going near Sirius. Especially when he had alcohol running through his veins. It was hard enough not to jump on Sirius when he was sober and fully clothed. Now Sirius was practically performing a strip tease in front of him.

Sirius gave what could only be described as a seductive smile, accompanied by a wink that made Remus go weak in the knees. "Did you just ask me to take my pants off, Moony?"

"Er," Remus did not know how to respond, he was just glad that he had gotten a word out at all. It seemed as if all his blood was flowing downwards at the sight if a half-naked Sirius. The closer Sirius moved, the more difficult it was to control himself. He wanted to jump forwards and rip those damn pants off Sirius...

From where Sirius stood, he leapt forward and placed a hand on either side of Remus's head. All he could go was gawk at his friend and try not to inhale or focus too much on anything, especially the feeling of Sirius's breath on his lips. But he had to breathe, so his heart and whole body seemed to relax and clench at the same time when he smelled the whiskey and peppermint smell that was Sirius. It took every ounce of willpower he possessed not to moan at the sensations shooting through him.

His eyes stayed locked on Sirius's, but he had to close them to fight the urge to do anything drastic. Something that could ruin their friendship. "I need help with this belt, mate," Sirius's warm breath against his lips was too much, and he let out a tiny whimper. "C'mon and help me."

Remus, with his eyes still closed, reached out a hand to search for the belt. The first solid thing his hand touched was a rib. He slid his hand down until the feel of hard leather interrupted the skin that kept pumping blood through his veins. Along the way he swore he felt a shiver through Sirius, though he could not let himself be sure. Touching Sirius's chest was like getting a fork stuck in an electric socket, and all the energy was shooting towards his heart, engulfing it until all the shock was unending and the leftover warmth sunk downwards in a lazy manner.

When he moved his fingers to the buckle of the belt, and touched the cool metal, then began to slide it out from the loops. Somehow it got stuck, though, so he swallowed and ran his fingers over the length of the belt until he reached the spot where it had snagged. His hand slid behind Sirius, which forced Sirius to take a step closer to Remus.

Ignoring the fact that they were touching chests, Remus pulled the belt out the rest of the way. When he was finished, he held the belt off to the side, close to Sirius. Remus did not trust his voice, so he only held it there, waiting for Sirius to take it. When he didn't, and Remus felt the breath against his lips getting warmer and closer, his eyes opened half-way to see Sirius watching him. Their eyes met and Remus felt his breath hitch at what he saw in those eyes. Raw, passionate, indescribable _desire_.

Before another thought could cross his mind, Sirius tilted his head until their lips brushed against each other. Remus almost sank to the ground with that one touch. It sent his mind into a fuzzy haze, and his heart hammered in his chest. Questions that now seemed distant were floating around somewhere in his head, but he could not get a grasp on them.

When their eyes found each other, Remus saw the questioning look in Sirius's gaze. But, it seemed to Remus, he was past the point of wanting to do anything but feel Sirius's lips again. Sirius leaned forward once more, and Remus closed his eyes as Sirius's lips met his, longer and a bit harder than before. Remus forced his knees not to collapse from underneath him as he began kissing Sirius back.

The heart that had been hammering against his chest had stopped beating. It felt as if every bit of pressure put into the kiss was soaring to his heart and then falling down, sending the blood elsewhere. It was everything Remus had wanted and dared himself not to hope for. The kiss was tinged with such a forbidden toxin that he felt every inch of it running throughout his soul. Not as if it was just a kiss, but a kiss that was melding together the souls of him and his best friend.

Anything and everything that had once existed stopped the moment Sirius's tongue flicked his bottom lip. Gasping at the contact and sensations following, his mouth opened and then the warm tongue was gone. With the opportunity in front of him, Remus sucked Sirius's bottom lip into his mouth and ran his tongue over it.

The sound that escaped Sirius shot straight to his cock, bypassing his chest all together. Sirius pressed himself closer, nudging Remus's legs open as he felt something hard pressing against his side.

"Sirius," Remus let out the small moan as he realized how much his friend wanted this. Wanted _him_.

Lips against his neck made him sigh as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Sirius sucked a place on his neck that had his knees buckle, but strong arms saved him from the hard floor as lips moved from the neck upwards until lips met lips again. The trace of a tongue sent Remus reeling, and he opened his mouth. Feeling it slide inside he flicked his up, wanting to taste more of Sirius, feel the very essence-

A loud banging on the door they were still leaning on forced them both to jump. Remus felt his heart leap and then fall as Pete's shouting jolted his senses awake.

"Unlock the door! I have to use the loo!"

* * *

"We need to talk about it, Remus!"

"No, we do _not_."

"Stop acting like a child!"

Remus stopped in the middle of the hallway, turning to see a smug grin on Sirius's face fade. He took a few steps closer to Sirius, taking pride in the fact that his best friend looked like he was forcing himself not to back away.

"How about the fact that we are best friends and this could ruin our friendship? How about that, Sirius? It was just a drunken mistake, that's all," Remus spat his anger.

The hurt expression that crossed Sirius's face made Remus wished he hadn't said anything at all. "Is that really all it was, Remus?"

Even though he knew he was in love with Sirius, even though every time he looked at Sirius it made his heart flip, even though he wanted to go back to two nights ago when he got to kiss Sirius, Remus knew he could never tell him. There was a friendship between the four Marauders that could not be replaced or repeated. If anything more were to happen between Remus and Sirius, it would destroy the entire dynamic of their friendship. Nothing could, or would, ever be the same. No matter how miserable Remus would be, he would not be the one to change things. Especially with the obvious war looming close. He needed his mates more than ever and was not about to risk losing them all for his own selfish wants.

"Yes," Remus turned to go. "Yes."

With his eyes closed, he took his first step away from Sirius. The second came easier, and the third proved to be the least difficult. Finally, he could open his eyes. The only sound in the hallway was that of his footsteps on the floor, a constant reminder of things always moving forward.

When the tears began to fall, Remus did not even try and stop them. He kept going, the more distance he put between himself and Sirius the better. He passed several people, everyone giving him sympathetic or pitiful glances, no one bothering to ask if he was alright. No one really cared. And, if it was not obvious, he was not alright.

Remus followed the stairs down, down, down until he was at the bottom of the castle. The dungeons were dark and damp with a green tint to everything. As Remus felt everything in his body begin to ache, he collapsed, a hand against the stone wall to hold himself up. All he wanted was to curl up in the middle of the hallway and sob as hard as possible. It might ease the pain in his heart. But, he took in a few ragged breaths and stood only to fall onto the ground, crumpling into a heap of hurt.

The only thing he could see was a dark shadow moving towards him, see the green of a tie, and then everything faded to Black.

* * *

"Drink this."

Remus gulped the Pepper-Up Potion that had been thrusted into his hands by Madame Pomfrey. In that instant, he felt his insides warm and a feeling of content settled throughout his body.

"How do you feel?"

"Alright," Remus spoke just as Sirius burst through the doors of the Hospital Wing, eyes finding Remus immediately as he strode forward with purpose. Before he could reach the bed, Madame Pomfrey told him to rest and walked toward her office. When he arrived, Sirius stood beside Remus, eyes following the Healer until she disappeared.

The moment the door shut, Sirius's gaze flew down to Remus, who tried not to shrink back under the gaze. Before he could register what was happening, Sirius had grabbed Remus's neck and crushed their lips together. For an instant, Remus resisted. But resisting the temptation of Sirius was impossible when their lips were melded together. They moved together as if they had done it a million times, adding pressure until Sirius pulled away, breathing heavy.

Remus was disappointed to see that his hostile expression had not changed, but now pain and desire were added to the mix.

"Tell me now that you don't want to talk about it."

"I don't."

Sirius stood up, sighing with an angry demeanour. "Damn it, Remus," he stood and turned around, kicking a nearby chair and making it scrape against the floor. When he turned around, he seemed filled with rage. "How can I get you see? What more can I do? Maybe you don't want to talk about it, but you are going to have to listen so _shut the hell up_."

Remus had been about to open his mouth but kept it closed. He did not want to upset his friend even more.

"The moment I first saw you on the train, I knew we were going to be friends. What I had not known then was that other feelings were going to develop for you. From the space between first and second year, I could not get you out of my head. When I first started to wank, you were the one I thought of. I thought I would never be able to tell you. Never be able to tell you about how when you read a book, your eyes sparkle. Never be able to admit that I've watched you sleep, because you're so peaceful and unguarded. Never be able to let you know that I've been observing you and only recently have I discovered it's not just a friendly affection I feel for you, but a love so deep, so pure that it burns my heart every time I see you look in the mirror with disgust at your scars. Because you're the most beautiful thing in the world to me," he reached out a hand and brushed his fingertips over Remus's cheek. His expression, which had softened at the end of his speech, took on a hard edge once more and he pulled his hand away, leaving a trail of warmth in its wake.

"And I've been suffering in silence for so long, content with just being your friend because I thought that was all we could ever be. Then, I talk with James, and he says I should tell you or show you, and I tried, so many times I tried. But, I could not forgive myself if I was the one to ruin our friendship. Then, the other night I had a little too much Firewhiskey and... well... you were there. I finally had a glimpse at how it could be with you, how alive you made me feel. Then, I'm finally able to talk about it with you and you're so _unwilling_. I just want this so much. You and I. There is nothing I want more than you, but you won't even talk to me!

Merlin, the thoughts that cross my mind at night. How it could be with you. I could make you be with me for the rest of our lives, we could live together in harmony forever, only falling more in love than we already are. And I do, Remus, I love you with every ounce of my being. Kissing you is like an energy burst from the sky; lightening I feel so strong and- "

"Okay."

Sirius sighed and an irritated sound escaped his lips. "Okay, what?"

"We can talk."

* * *

_Author's note;_

This is the longest one-shot I have ever written. But I've been **wanting** to do this for awhile so I sat down and wrote, three _different_ times in three days, and I got this done.

Apparently I converted my absolutely epic Beta, **_Chatterbox Angel_**, into a Remus/Sirius shipper after she edited this. Stay **awesome **you wonderful person!

You can interpret who, and _why_, a Slytherin would help Remus to the Hospital Wing instead of hexing him. I know who I want it to be but if you want to know who it is in **my** mind, review and ask! (;


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